Ribald Anecdotes from Afghanistan’s Front Lines

WARNING: Some of these are very ribald. They are also riddled with curse words, in an effort to accurately replicate the storytellers’ patterns of speech.

Do not read if you are under 18, pregnant, or an active member of PETA.

“This local national comes in to get medical treatment. We give out medical aid here on the base, they can come in with whatever and the doc’ll see them and say what’s up and maybe give some meds. It’s not a full-blown hospital or anything but it’s more than what they usually have.

“So this guy’s bleeding all over the place. He’s got these dog bites on him: one on his face, and one on his nuts. Deep ones, too. We ask him what happened and he says, “Well, I broke both of my dog’s front legs so that she wouldn’t bite me while I was fucking her. But I didn’t realize she was so flexible…

“Absolutely no shame about it, either. That shit is normal out here.”

“Yeah, one of the first nights we were out here [at the garbage burning pit] someone had left a star cluster in there, buried under a bunch of shit. We didn’t know. It was from the previous unit. So we just piled on the boxes and garbage bags and all that shit, and had a good little bonfire going. Then the star cluster lights up and there’s this huge bang, explosion and shit, and we all jump back. But this guy,” pointing at the marine beside him, “doesn’t move. All this stuff had hit him all over the legs but he just stood there.

“We went up and asked if he was alright and for a while we thought he was covered in blood. But it was a bit chunky and he said he was fine. Turns out there had been a salsa jar right next to the star cluster.”

The marine pauses to throw another battery into the flames.

“There’s this one staff sergeant who used to be a drill sergeant and tells all these funny stories about it and shit. Apparently he used to get the recruits when they had to clean a floor or whatever and have them mop it all up, so it’s all wet and soapy and shit, and then he’d have a couple of the recruits line up at one end. He’d tell a couple to lie down on the floor, then tell the rest of the recruits to push them around to dry it off.”

“One of the IDD dogs attached to one of the other companies got ahold of some poontang once while he was out on a patrol. Fucked some local bitch in a compound and ended up getting doggie gonnorhea, herpes, all that shit. Shit was dripping out of his dick, it was disgusting. They had to medevac him up to Leatherneck to get him treated.

“I have no idea how he got away from his handler long enough to have sex. Can’t have had more than ten or fifteen seconds. They must’ve been hornier than hell. Can’t blame him I guess. I mean, we are, too.”

“Yeah we had this other journalist here back the first time we were out here, when things were still really kinetic around here. He came out on a patrol and we started taking some heavy fire and he just lost his shit. Screaming ‘fuck this shit, I never signed up for this,’ all that. Down on his belly going for cover and he fucks up his camera so he just throws the whole thing into a canal. Doesn’t even care.

“He was a bit of a pussy. We’d have some potshots coming in long range and a couple guys dropping a knee to return fire and he’d be down on his gut, commandoing for the nearest wall, from the middle of this field where the rest of us were still just standing around chilling.”

“Yeah that [tethered blimp hovering over the base] has a bunch of cameras on it. They can turn infrared and heat vision or whatever as well. So one night it’s scanning the fields on heat vision and it sees a couple local nationals up to something. This is all automatic, it gets checked later. So the camera zooms in on them and records this whole scene.

“Next day the guy comes in and finds a good half hour of donkey porn on his hard drive. One of them held the donkey’s ears so it wouldn’t move around while the other guy fucked it, then they swapped places. We passed that shit all around the base, everyone’s seen it. I mean, some guy took sloppy seconds on a donkey. Fucking hilarious.”

“My girlfriend now, back home, she wants me to quit smoking but she don’t mind the dipping.

“Which is weird if you think about our history. We went to high school together and I used to think I was hot shit because I had a truck and all that. She didn’t think so though. had no interest in me. I was a junior and she was a sophomore and she couldn’t have cared less. But we knew each other and one night we were chilling at mine, drinking some beers, had a bonfire going out back and stuff, me and two buddies of mine and her and two friends of hers, just platonic though.

“So we’re sitting in lawn chairs—it was pretty fucking hick—and I’ve got a bud bottle I’m using to spit in from the dip. At some point I get up to go take a leak in the woods and while I’m gone she takes my chair. Now she had her own beer but for some reason she decides she wants to drink my beer, too.

“Must’ve been about three inches of dip spit in that bottle and she took a good ol’ swig. I came back just as she did and nearly fucking died laughing.”

3 comments
  1. Andrew says: November 16, 20112:11 am

    There’s Joe talking big smack. None of it’s true… it’s a psychological coping mechanism to help you deal with the fact that 99% of the people you meet are desperately impoverished (and you can’t help) and the other 1% are people you kill. I mean, if they’re a bunch of animal raping nobodies, it’s not so bad if you can’t help them, right? It simultaneously proves the essential decency of human nature (no one wants to hurt someone they care about) while disproving it (people are easily capable of defeating the mechanisms meant to reinforce their own humanity).

    Anyways, if any one of these marines can actually produce a video (a recent video- from their deployment) where any of this animal raping stuff actually happens, I’ll eat a dead dog’s dick. When I was over there the big thing in vogues was claiming there were little boys the villages passed around.

    • Lawrence Dabney says: November 16, 20116:11 am

      I suspect you are correct–I’d be hard pressed to name a war where dehumanization of the enemy wasn’t a key part of the military’s overall strategy. Stories like this are certainly told about the US troops as well, by the enemy’s grunts. Some of them (on either side) may be true (just look at the conviction of Sgt Gibbs), but the real problem is that those few can come to define the tens or hundreds of thousands of others with whom we associate them.

  2. Jack says: November 13, 20119:43 pm

    Lars,I knew they treated their women pretty badly over there,but the animal cruelty is too much. No wonder donkeys are so dumb!

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